I was very young when I first witnessed a cousin of mine having an episode of what I think was a neurosis. He was tied in a bed and was struggling. All I know at that time is that they can’t restrain him from aggressive outbursts. His mom was crying, and grandma was taken aback by what was happening.
That was not the first time actually, but that was the worst I have seen so far. Years after, that cousin of mine committed suicide. And he was not the only one in our family who did such. Actually, my grandpa shot himself for reasons I don’t know. My uncle (my dad’s bro) also took away his own life after his wife left him.
Now, that I’m experiencing some kind of depression, some curiosity arose in me. Does mental illness run in our family? According to Mindia Gabichvadze, PsyD, “Other risk factors for depression include a personal or family history of mental health issues.”
I first started to ask myself about it when my partner noticed how quickly I switch moods. According to Dana Harron, PsyD, “Sudden mood swings are common in people considering suicide, and may or may not relate to mental health issues such as bipolar disorder.” She wonders why I occasionally blow hot and cold. Well, man can have his moods, too, but she sees mine as a bit exaggerated. One moment, I’m so into this thing, and with reasons she doesn’t know, am not interested anymore. If she insists, there goes my anger outbursts and aggressiveness. And we will end up with a fight, sometimes serious, other times not quite.
Then, I realized there are days when I would go into depression. Notably, at times when we didn’t end up on a good note, I would just stay in my room for days with the lights off. I would avoid talking to friends and my parents. I would refuse my parents even though I know they’re worried about me. I was just there curled up in my bed, then would be down the floor, back to the bed again, then would stare out the window. At times, I have these deep thoughts; other times, it seems I have nothing on my mind at all, just there thinking of nothing really. But worse is when I would cry as I write notes on my walls, pages of notebooks, and even at the back of some photos. “The depressed person, due to the way brain operates in depression, become unable to see new solutions to problems, and they focus overly on negatives. They tend to ruminate on what is wrong in their lives, and such brooding increases mental ‘stuckness.'”, according to Margaret Wehrenberg, PsyD.
I Shared My Thoughts Once, And It Made Me Wanna Kill Myself
I was confused. I had a flashback as if I was seeing my cousin yelling with his angry outbursts, imagining how my grandfather and uncle took away their own lives. Have they passed on that craziness on me?
“Oh, it’s in my genes.” (Sobbing)
I shared my feelings on social media, and all I got are upsetting words. Not even one comment sympathize or seems affected by what I posted in there.
“Hey, people, feel like I wanna kill myself.” And the voice in my mind is nagging me to do it, “NOW.”
What should I do?
With the negative comments I received, I drank until I passed out. I woke up in the hospital. My mom was crying beside me. My wrist still a bit hurting. I wasn’t aware I almost killed myself after I took some Quaalude, which I was able to get online days before and cut my wrist in the bathroom.
My Fears Confirmed!?
It frightened me so much. I was terrified realizing I could have it. I saw a psychiatrist who doesn’t want to conclude if its hereditary. According to him, there could be a number of reasons behind my acts, not just the genes.
He is also thinking that I might just be engrossed with the idea of mental illness being passed on to me because of the things I witnessed when I was young. I need to go through tests, observations, and therapy sessions to make a final conclusion. I was given meds to calm my nerves when I have attacks.
For now, I feel a bit lost, but I’m trying to find myself. I was confused but trying to be strong.