My best friend called me last night, crying. Instead of her usual cheery greeting, she told me, “I think my husband does not love me anymore.”

Of course, my internal lioness instinct kicked in, so I immediately ask if her spouse was having an affair. Thankfully, my best friend was 100% sure that he was not seeing anyone else. That opinion of hers came from the fact that her husband had been spending eight to nine hours at work ever since the government allowed some offices to reopen.

“I barely see him daily. When I wake up, he’s already dressed and ready to leave. At night, he comes home for dinner but passes out early,” my best friend confided.

I had never been in her situation, so I was speechless at first. My husband was always busy with his business, too, but I never felt like I was at the bottom of his priorities. Hence, the only thing I could do was share three tips that got my marriage through quarantine and other curveballs in life.

Talk About Schedules

The first thing on your to-do list should be talking about schedules. Get a massive calendar where you and your husband can write your agendas on specific days. Then, go through the blank dates or those with the least tasks and plan how you can spend time together. Say, if you have one free afternoon, you may order lunch from your favorite restaurant or watch a movie at home. If an entire day is vacant, you can hike, ski, cycle, or do any activity that permits social distancing.

Knowing each other’s schedule is a must way before you end your home quarantine so that you won’t feel lost later. This information can give you an idea about how busy your husband is during a particular day and what you can or cannot expect from him then, and vice versa. That is the quickest way to dodge disappointments in the long run.

Make Compromises

One thing that makes you miss someone you have isolated with for more than two months is the routine you have developed. For instance, while quarantining, your husband may have prepared everything you need to cook for breakfast, lunch, or dinner. When it comes to cleaning, you may have tackled every part of the house as a unit. However, after the quarantine, he may not be able to join you for breakfast, or you have been cleaning your entire home alone.

Letting all this take place cannot honestly be suitable for any marriage. You need to compromise with your spouse regarding chores or quality time so that your patience will not burn fast. Considering his schedule is often full, you can ask him to join you for at least one meal every day. If he can no longer help you tidy up the house on weekdays, you should set Saturday or Sunday as a cleaning day. Your husband will not argue with you about it, especially when he misses you badly.  

Avoid Getting Angry

Feeling sad when your husband loses time for you does not make you an overbearing wife. Because of the quarantine, you may have gotten used to being around each other 24/7. When the stay-at-home order has been lifted, though, you only see him in the house at dinner.

Despite that, you should never resent your spouse for seeming to work double-time now. It is unlikely because he cannot stand your presence, especially if your love is unquestionable. It may only be due to the number of pending projects that he may need to deal with ASAP. After all, many things may ride on finishing those tasks, such as a new promotion, a raise in salary, etc.

 

Instead of entertaining adverse thoughts, you should follow the tips above. Good luck!

Source: pixabay.com

I should love myself. “It isn’t hard to love ourselves, or anyone else, when things are going well,” says Washington, DC-based licensed psychologist Alicia Clark. “What’s a much taller order is to love ourselves when things aren’t going well, and when we need love most.”

That was the first thing that came to my mind when I was having second thoughts of whether I should split with my then-boyfriend or not.

We started as high school sweethearts. His family knew who I was, and so did my parents. They approved of the relationship, even though we got together at quite a young age.

We stayed as a couple even when we entered university. I wanted to go to California back then because I aspired to become an actress. However, my boyfriend got a scholarship in New York, and I did not want a long-distance relationship, so I applied to the same university he went to.

Things were fabulous at first; it was like we were still in high school. My man would pick me up after my classes and then we would dine out or roam around the city until we feel tired. The setup went on until graduation day came, and a company offered him a job near our hometown.

Don’t get me wrong; I am proud of where I came from. At the same time, however, my dream to become an actress was still there. I could not move back there with him, knowing that I could fulfill my wishes in the big city and not live a life that’s full of regrets. So, I made the biggest decision: I chose career over love.

Isn’t That Too Selfish Of You?

Source: pixabay.com

Everyone has a different way of describing selfishness.  According to Donna Rockwell, PsyD, “Where Western society and mass media over the years have portrayed self-love and self-care as selfishness and self-indulgence, humanistic psychology and mindfulness interventions promoted in Eastern cultures instead encourage self-care, framing it as self-nourishment, where at the end of the day, we have more “good stuff” left over to give others, rather than less.”For some people, what I did was the embodiment of that. In my opinion, though, being selfish means leaving your better half after a crippling accident or entering a new relationship with someone else without ending your current one. That’s not what happened here.

I decided to go after my lifelong dream instead of settling down with my high school sweetheart, yes. But it was not because I did not think that he could give me a good life or because I felt no love for him anymore. The reason was that I wanted to be able to pursue my passion. I have so many talents to show to the world; I don’t mind going to as many auditions as I can find. I cannot do that if I return to our small town right after getting my college diploma.

Besides, I thought, “If my boyfriend could follow his dreams, why shouldn’t I do the same thing?” A good portion of my life was devoted to this man. I don’t regret that, but I think it’s time to prioritize myself this time.

Bottom Line

Source: pixabay.com

Am I ambitious? Yes. Am I selfish? I don’t believe that I am. As Nassir Ghaemi, a Professor of Psychiatry at Tufts University, states, “This healthy ambition, we might say, is needed in young and able persons; more of us achieve less because we fail to try than fail to achieve because we try too hard.”

It just so happens that I know what I want and what’s right for myself. Life would have been easy if I moved back home with my man. I would probably be a housewife now, taking care of our cute little kids. However, now is not the time to choose love when there’s a lot of things I can do to improve myself out there.

I know it sounds crazy, but you should be brave enough to admit to yourself if you want to prioritize career over love as well.

Source: pixabay.com

A lot of kids, no matter what generation they belong to, always say that they wish they are already adults. In their young minds, after all, they see adulthood as the stage of life in which their parents never have to tell them what to do. They can travel anywhere, eat as many candies as they want, or not do anything at all.

The reality that most kids have no idea about is that being an adult means that you have to work to survive. It is a difficult feat even for the people who have landed their dream job and are doing what they love. That is especially true if you are in a progressive company. Everything will happen so fast; you need to be able to think on your feet. There are meetings here and there, too, and you always have to have new ideas to pitch into your bosses. In short, you cannot get a breather.

Indeed, I feel you right there. What I do when things become too hectic at work is to listen to music. Why should you do that too, you may ask?

It Lowers Stress Level

Source: pixabay.com

The first reason why you should start listening to music while working is that it can lower the amount of stress you deal with every day.  “Music listening has been suggested to beneficially impact health via stress-reducing effects,” says psychologist Myriam Verena Thoma, PhD. Scientists are yet to find out the process that makes it possible, but what’s known is that it is useful even for people who are about to go under the knife. The more the stress-inducing hormone called cortisol gets inhibited, the more your brain can produce the pleasure-inducing chemical called dopamine.

It Reduces Your Proneness To Depression

Stress and other factors can also cause depression. Say, the promotion you have been waiting for has been given to another colleague, or you found out that your better half has been lying to you all this time. Either of that, coupled with the massive pile of paperwork you have to go through, may depress you.

Nevertheless, when you listen to music, the risk of developing depression reduces.  In an article he co-authored, Jeffrey E. Barnett, PsyD, states “Some evidence supports music therapy’s use in reducing anxiety, depression, and pain, although the literature is limited.” The idea has come from the fact that some individuals have undergone music therapy for three and six months, and it has a positive impact on the depressed folks. You won’t have to sign up for sessions if you begin playing songs while you’re stressing out, though.

It Allows You To Process Ideas Better

Source: pixabay.com

What I do is look up instrumental music on YouTube and listen to it through my earphones. Whenever I do that, I do not get sleepy, my brain seems to function better, and I can get my work done in no time.

From what I gathered, it is happening due to the Mozart effect. It entails that your ability to think and process ideas tend to improve the more you listen to background music. In an article he co-authored, Jeffrey E. Barnett, PsyD, states “Some evidence supports music therapy’s use in reducing anxiety, depression, and pain, although the literature is limited.”

Final Thoughts

Living a life without songs to play can be a humdrum even when you are possibly unaware of the things mentioned above. Now that you know about the benefits of listening to music, though, you have more reason now than ever to do it while working.

Good luck!

Almost all of us are afraid of something. It may be a person, a situation, an object or anything else. Fear and phobia are two terms that we link with the feeling of being scared. But are they the same? Carolyn Rodriguez, MD, PhD, a psychiatrist at Stanford Health Care, says “Normal fears don’t interfere with an individual’s ability to work, go to social outings or have relationships, whereas phobias might. Being around the feared situation or object can also cause panic attacks, which are accompanied by symptoms such as heart palpitations, sweating and trembling.”

Scientifically, phobia starts where fear ends. Phobia is the clinical manifestation of fear that is categorized as a separate Anxiety Disorder and requires to be treated with different Types of Counseling.

For example, you are afraid of social gatherings. This is fear. But when this fear starts making you avoid important social functions and you feel an uncontrollable urge not to face people, this will surely be regarded as ‘phobia’.

Symptoms of Phobia

Phobia is way more severe than fear and requires professional guidance in order to recover. The symptoms of phobia are both physiological and psychological.

Physiological symptoms

1. Sweating
2. Rapid heartbeat and pulse
3. Nausea
4. Numbness of muscles
5. Dry mouth

Psychological Symptoms

1. Feeling anxious
2. Wanting to run away from the situation/person/object that you fear
3. The fear is beyond control
4. The fear interferes with normal functioning, making the person preoccupied with thoughts about the object of fear.
5. Feeling helpless when confronted with the object of fear.

Types of Phobia

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM) 5 has given 3 subtypes of phobia.

1. Specific Phobia – It involves intense fear of specific things like dogs (cynophobia), heights (acrophobia), closed spaces (claustrophobia), etc.
2. Social phobia – This involves intense fear of social situations and gatherings. The fear is unbearable and the sufferer deliberately becomes aloof from any social situation that would aggravate the fear.
3. Agoraphobia – This is the fear for being in situations which are perceived hard to escape from.

 What causes Phobia

There are several views about what causes phobia. While some researches emphasize on the role of upbringing and observational learning, some psychologists focus on the genetics and brain functions associated with developing phobia. No single cause is enough to make a person phobic – a combination of different factors are responsible, some of which are discussed below.

1. Genetic studies suggest that anxiety runs in families. Those who have a family history of anxiety disorders are more likely to develop phobia than those who don’t.
2. Phobia is often the result of observational learning. For example, a child who has always seen her mother scream at the sight of a cockroach, will grow up believing that cockroach is a thing to be scared of.
3. There are also studies that indicate certain neurotransmitters like GABA, serotonin, and norepinephrine to be associated with causing anxiety disorders like phobia or OCD.
4. Unresolved conflicts at the subconscious levels can also manifest themselves as a phobia.

 Healing phobia

It is easy to criticize and make fun of the apparently illogical phobias. But for the sufferers, it brings huge distress and they feel helpless at the face of confronting their fear. Psychotherapy and medicine helps in a good prognosis and early diagnosis of phobia may result in complete cure. Some useful ways in treating phobia are discussed below.

1. Medicinal treatment – Group of drugs called Benzodiazepines (anxiolytic drugs) are helpful in treating phobia. They balance the neurotransmitter imbalances in the brain and diminishes the effects of phobia on the person’s physical and mental health.
2. Systematic Desensitization or Exposure Therapy –  This is the most popular technique of treating phobia. Here the person is slowly exposed to the object of fear and is trained to control his response. The therapist starts by making the person imagine the feared situation and progressively makes the client confront his fear under the therapist’s guidance. It is the most effective way of dealing with any phobia. “For many people, the effects of exposure therapy are lasting, and research continues to support its efficacy for treating anxiety, phobias, and many other mental health issues,” says psychotherapist Mark Pfeffer.
3. Hypnotherapy – This is not a very conventional way for treating phobia nowadays. It is mainly used to help the person know his subconscious conflicts and help him fight with them to get rid of the phobia. Performed under the supervision of a hypnotherapist,  hypnosis uproots the cause permanently. “Hypnosis helps patients to reduce their distress and have positive expectations about the outcomes of surgery,” Guy H. Montgomery, PhD says. “I don’t think there is any magic or mind control.”

Phobia can have long-lasting effects in our lives. So never feed your fears ; face them, challenge them and never let your fear be bigger than your faith.